The Casual Notice Guide to Rain

Asshole Rain is not rain at all, but a weather condition in which you need to do something that requires dryness (mowing the lawn, repairing a road, watching beach volleyball), but the weather gods make it cloud over and look like it’s going to rain every time you start moving forward.

Mist is also not technically rain. It’s fog. Sticky fog that makes you look like you fell in a lake if you have to spend more than a few seconds in it.

Swamp Rain is a warm light rain only distinguishable from mist in that the water has a definite downward direction (most of the time).

East Coast Rain is like swamp rain, but it’s colder and might randomly turn to ice.

Sad Girl Rain is rain that falls softly and warmly, making the whole world depressing.

Funeral Rain is a patchy, light rain. To be funeral rain, it must be cold enough to wear a fashionable raincoat and patchy enough that you only need your umbrella for long shots.

Mountain Rain is steady like sad girl rain but cold like funeral rain. Mountain Rain goes on for days, sometimes weeks.

Pissin’ is a cold steady rain like mountain rain, but it has randomly distributed heavy drops that make you check around to see if there are any birds overhead.

Autumn Rain is all the bad parts of pissin’ and funeral rain, only now you’ve got dead leaves glued to your car windows.

Seabreeze Squall is a small, intense storm that wanders inland from the coast.

Sunshower is a seabreeze squall that’s too lazy to form a cloud.

Rain longterm rain dropping about an inch per hour. This can lead to “flooding” in places where they think that standing water puddles are evidence of deluge.

Houston Rain like regular rain, except the rate is closer to three inches per hour. Houston rain usually happens in clusters when you don’t actually need the moisture or cooling.

Tropical Storm is a Houston rain that starts over open water.

Hurricane is a tropical storm that’s got its shit together. Wind-based categories really only apply when the hurricane is on its way up. A Cat 3 hurricane on its way up is no big deal; a Cat 3 on its way down from Cat 5 is a giant storm that has reduced winds but more of them, and will ruin you life like that one ex-lover who keeps finding out your phone number.