12-01-08

And so, this is Christmas

Last Friday—Black Friday, to those in the retail and advertising industries—rang in the "official" beginning of the Christmas Season.  Technically, the Season officially began yesterday, the first Sunday of Advent, but the traditions and laws of the Catholic Church don't hold the awe that they once did, so I'll go with Black Friday.  I should point out, that going by that measure, this year will be the second shortest Christmas season possible.  Next year's season will be a day shorter, and then the whole thing will kick back a week.  But that's a mere curiosity that anyone can figure out by looking at a calendar and counting Thursdays.  What is currently important is that it's the Christmas Season, and I've never (to my knowledge) done a Christmas Rant.  So I'm going to do one now.

So, since I'm ranting, I'm going to start out with the Season in general.  Yes, it's Christmas.  Yes, it's also Chanukah, Imbolc (sort of), Yule, Tet, and any number of other festivals.  The fact is that there isn't a culture in the world that doesn't have a Winter Festival (or Summer, in the southern hemisphere) of some sort.  Let me restate this, so you fully understand:  Everyone has a Solstice Festival of some kind in December!  There are a lot of very good cultural and survival reasons for this, but that's not my point.  My point is that nobody stole your fucking holiday.  Even if they did, it happened so long ago that nobody cares any more, so stop harshing the buzz for everyone else by whining about how the Christian Monks renamed and realigned your special time. 

Even more so shut the hell up if you're an atheist.  We get it, right?  Christianity let you down in some way that you refuse to define so now you don't believe that anyone should be allowed any faith in anything.  Let me state unequivocally that no one wants to hear the millionth iteration of how Christians are evil monomaniacs worshiping blah blah blah I got a red bike instead of a blue bike when I was a kid and Santa was really my parents so I'm going to ruin everyone's month by being a whiny little bitch.  Nobody cares.  My best friend is an atheist (or at least an agnostic) and he's one of the loudest people I hear complaining about you people who suck the fun out of Christmas.  Save your middle-class ennui for your fucking therapist, and let the rest of us get on with our good time.

Speaking of middle-class ennui, is it too much to ask that the charitable donation people not fuck up the tradition of gift-giving?  Seriously.  I'm sure you've all heard those damn radio ads encouraging everyone to give a donation to the United Way (or whoever) in the recipient's name instead of giving them an actual gift.  Here's a thought, guys:  Why don't you aske your socialite board members or multimillionaire star endorsers to cut a check instead of hosting a banquet that costs twice as much as it takes in?  WHile you're at it, why don't you cut the salaries of your upper administrators to something less than the President of the United States is paid?  When you do that, if you're still having problems, maybe I'll send you some money.  On my own behalf.  But no matter what, don't try to make me feel guilty because I'd like to give my wife a nice pair of opal earrings or my daughter a new iPod.  These are people I love and care about.  Forgive me if I'd like tomake them a little happy one day out of the year, and if you think that instead I should give them a piece of colored paper telling them they get jack because I gave it to someone I never met before, feel free to fuck yourself.

Does that make me sound like a Scrooge?  Too bad.  I know that I'm plenty charitable on my own and within my means.  I give what I can when I can to those I feel can use it, and if that doesn't suit your personal view of the Season, well reread what I wrote to the atheists.  I guess it all comes down to courtesy.  I was raised to think that my personal feelings on charity and gift-giving were mine, and I shouldn't try to make people feel guilty or bad because they didn't give me something "perfect".  I was also raised to expect the same courtesy from others.

On the subject of courtesy, it doesn't take a lot of effort to not be a dick.  Grow the fuck up.  Look around you.  Be aware that you aren't the only person in the world.  When several people approach a door, it is generally expected that the first person there hold it for the rest of them—at least that they hold it long enough for the people behind them to grab the handle themselves.  It is also expected that, when someone holds a door for you, you thank them, or at least that you acknowledge that they exist.  Unless you live somewhere where all of the doors are opened by men in uniforms making union scale, anyone standing out in the rain so you don't have to put forth any effort is doing you a favor and deserves your acknowledgement.  Look around you.  You aren't the only person in the world.

When you're in the store, remember that other people need to get by.  Don't park your cart across the aisle.  While you're pushing that cart, it's a good idea for your eyes and your feet to be pointing in the same direction at least some of the time.  Look around you.  You aren't the only person in the world.  And none of those people, especially the clerks and stockers at the toy department/book store/food court are your fucking nanny.  Take your kids with you where you go.  No one at that store is getting paid to follow your little rat-child around the store ensuring they don't get scooped up by Harvey the creepy guy or (and this is infinitely more likely) that they don't put an aluminum baseball bat through a $2000 plasma tv.  Grow the fuck up.  If you're old enough to spawn, you're old enough to ensure that those spawn to bring chaos and destruction to the universe.  You, not the poor sap making minimum wage making sure Wal-Mart has enough Bumble Action figures.

Okay, so at this point I'm going to shut up, because if I go on, I'll be breaking my own rule and fucking up other people's merry Christmas.  So, happy holidays, everyone, whatever your holiday is.